A short story; I personally found the conflict of battle with myself and my high achieving nature the hardest challenge of all to make a wade through.
Isn’t it funny how each time we go through something emotionally challenging we think to ourself “this is the hardest thing” when the reality is if we look back and reflect on some of the mountains we’ve climbed and successfully rose above in the past those challenges were in fact much bigger and tougher.
Coming into my battle with self and finding acceptance of limitation has been one of the hardest challenges because it tore down essential parts of myself I relied upon for my sense of well being and joy.
Things that had to do with my sense of livelihood.
Abilities that were natural and known, comfortable and life giving. But they were never really “gone”, though I knew I wasn’t at my “optimum” so I just toughened and hardened as the time went on.
People would say things to me before it like “man, I wish I had the abundance of energy you have” and wished to be able to do the things i could do. “You always seem to be healthy, energetic.”
My hands were completely unable to work for a few years … as in - I could not for the life of me do something that was natural for my energy flow and as much a part of my life as what breathing was, I’d been doing it for 9 years at that point. Energy healing.
After a huge physical disruption in my brain networks and pathways it caused an inability to channel healing energy through myself and my vessel. And took me over 3 years to get back to being able to channel in my body.
Over time I grew to lose all memory of my confidence, it totally destroyed me. Along with the deep trauma that I was going through in my brain, body, physical experience. Deeper, and deeper. My “lack of ability” just broke my heart and solar plexus to oblivion.
For a period of 3 years I was having to search in the dark, finding alternatives to how I performed healing ❤️🩹 on others. I learned other ways to “get by” without being seen or noticed like I was hoarding some massive secret. That I couldn’t “do anything” like I use to.
It’s almost like, I was stripped of all my spiritual abilities and identification with the things that I could “do” and once this was over I then had to experience the even more physical journey of that too. I.e - my last 10 months of illness.
My ego couldn’t cope with the destruction. For those of you who knew me before the loss, my healing energies were incredibly strong.
I was taken down and stripped bare in an attempt to go deeper into my own inner, physical healing.
After doing EMDR my brain and mind were in such a disruption that all day every day I was in recall mode of trauma. This ptsd flooding lasted 3.5 years.
My brain was leaking trauma memories, I was highly dysfunctional and my brain took a massive toll through that journey. Hence why I was unable to channel energy, but I was held every moment in the journey by the universe and the energy of spirit as I braved my way through the storm.
I had myself and the universe to thank for the entire process, because I had also equipped myself so well for the end - for the recovery. I could thank myself because the bag of tools I carried with me to endure and also restore myself was so well known, well used and structural for core healing I knew how to help myself repair.
So I learned a huge amount during this time of “being incapable” - this was when my work with baba yaga began. She took me into many other dimensional spaces and hidden channels in the ether, showed and taught me how to manage other multidimensional beings I hadn’t come across before. And she showed me what it was like to reveal and dispose long standing magic, among many other things. My beautiful grandmother archetype… held me during a time of intense pain and recollection of raw memories.
3.5 years it took to restore my ability to channel healing energies through my own vessel again instead of having to stand next to my body while I worked on others, and quietly just work standing next to myself in spirit form.
For a long time I could hardly see clairvoyantly and my sensing became a very difficult and long challenge, often sensing my way through the dark, unable to protect it took a few years to restore this ability as well. Being open to attack during the process wasn’t easy. While my brain and body were re-experiencing such deep internal fear from my memories I was also attacked on a daily by multidimensional beings so I would be enduring a ten fold suffering of the emotions I went through.
Joisus.
It was like somebody came along and stripped me bare of all the different abilities I’d lived with for so long. I would then have to journey through a long and slow ride of restoration as the physical side of my healing came about.
The learning was incredibly deep and intense alongside the trauma recovery, spiritually, matching the intensity of my physical healing I learned to understand very powerful energies and manoeuvring, and I learned how others could be so down in themselves, so anxious, so without “self.” I’d not lost confidence in myself before.
I had no idea what that felt like. Until all of this happened.
I didn’t give up. I clung to my life line, the bare minimum that I did still have and I held it for dear life. Thinking “don’t let me go” please … don’t let go of this line.
I made it out on the other side and I did learn more beautiful and amazing healing modalities, energies, which I can later bring into fore once I have completed the full return. But for now, I must rest. Continue to go slow on the long path and allow things to settle and be as they will.
It felt like the universe was not only stripping me bare of all the spiritual identities I had but the physical as well. I finally got back to a space of healing abilities, my confidence rebuilding a little. But not enough.
Total physical destruction had to be the final break which would restore my internal light.
As I lay on the floor last summer, shattered and broken in my body, unable to move, unable to think or laugh and feel. The final break helped my mind recollect. And somewhere in that mess I found my internal strength. My ability to believe, my worth, my confidence and my anxiety left.
I thought I was done for. This trauma response of 3.5 years really felt like 10. I was in a living hell inside of myself.
Being okay in the process was never an easy feat.
I will be honest there's
And even now I wrestle with myself and my expectations, higher than a mountain, I recall the old capacity and get fired up that I “cant do what I use to be able to do.”
My biggest qualm right down to the core of it all was “I worked my ass off for this for years” but one day I realised that I was clinging to all my abilities and spiritual dependencies too hard.
What if I did lose it all? Genuinely lost them.
I’d be no better off clinging to those abilities just as if I clung to my car and it was taken I’d go through hell. I had to stop identifying with my learned and open spiritual abilities to be able to let them heal.
The change in my business recently came with an awareness about all those identities I held. I held an identity to the idea of “being a healer” and so letting it go and the prior not being able to do it was a gentle reminder that if I clung to anything too hard, anything at all, I would be suffering more.
So just as the universe always provides, it proved to me with two things.
The remembering of just how amazing I actually am … that confidence crumble was shite, to identify with all because even though I “couldn’t” do certain things I still went around and learned other ways. I never gave up. So although I felt I’d lost all hope of strength my resilience stayed in tact. I learned copious power energies, I remembered my drive. I eventually recalled passion where I thought it was never ever going to be felt again. I kept going, keep trying, continued finding alternative routes and ways. The pieces I lost that I thought I might never find again I did indeed recover. Things like joy, hope, passion, livelihood, belief, manifesting, seeing energy, channeling healing energy, sex, stable mind, stable emotion. So many things I thought I might not ever see again, were returned slowly one by one.
I am always provided for. The whole way through I had the perfect people in my life at every step. Those who would hold me in the mushy parts and provide safe space to be a muck, those that reminded me of love when I thought I was the demon - I felt ugly and yet they loved me and liked me anyway, those who reminded me of my worth and my strengths, the value that I am and that I give, while I was devoid of those things in myself the outside world was bringing me what I needed. I was brought compassion from the outside world as I lost every inkling of it for myself. All the way. The universe showed me I was cared for during every step and facilitated the journey that I was on.
So I came here initially just to say “I’m so pissed off and annoyed” because I was deep in the struggle from not being able to do a “simple spiritual task” and the idea came … how do I find compassion here.
Compassion is the only word that I can take with me on the forward journey.
Compassion is the only medicine which can soothe my wounds and soften or heal it over as my ego once again tries to harden and deject me.
When I become raw inside and I look to the top of the mountain of where I was, but that isn’t quite here or in sight, I can only look for compassion.
I know that it will come. I feel it as it builds.
Each week and each month I get slowly back closer to home in myself.
I have many of my abilities back, not entirely. But they will restore, I have the tools and know them well. And I have restored discipline to help me on my way.
The journey of a complete and total ego death was long and painful. But it was loving, incredibly supportive and honestly so blessed as I made my way through each level or stage of destruction and rebirth.
This time as the ascent continues and my energy is rebuilt I intended two things for it- red and pink. Red because it gave me my strength and power, it was always my vitality. Vigour, drive and passion.
Pink because I needed to soften and infuse inside and out with the comfort of love and unconditional compassion as I rose. For it was something I never really knew.
I once imagined a world where the child being brought into their learning environment and their exploration would be kindly and compassionately done so in a safe container of both stability and structure of that strong red and the soft yet strong energy of the mother and her nurture.
That was the ideal. That was my rebuild.
Along this wild journey I have been brought the most beautiful, kind and compassionate yin archetype women - to remind me what I was wanting, what colours and energies I needed to remain on this earth as a being of true unconditional self love.
I cannot be all masculine energy and strength, I must learn the softness of boundaries and thus no longer identify with clinging to those old energies and ways.
No ability - not even spirit, can be clung to
And I continue to immerse myself into surrender. The road is long but i intend to quit the fighting, to remain in compassion with myself and that journey.
And to my surprise, and delight, I walk back up the mountain with others at my side. The ones I knew could get to great heights - we all would go together.
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